Step One: Learning to Listen

 Step One

We all have to start somewhere.... so why not start with listening? Most of us have been indoctrinated into how to listen:

1. Look the speaker in the eye
2. Listen to what they say
3. Rephrase and restate what was heard
4. Listen to the speaker clarify what they meant, versus what was heard
5.  Repeat step 3 to confirm that what was heard is what was meant
6. Repeat steps 3 through 5 until both people agree the listener heard what the speaker intended

There's a few problems with this. 

    First, it assumes both the speaker and the listener speak the same language. 

    Second, it assumes that all the words being used carry the same definitions for both the speaker and the listener. 

    Third, it is incredibly Euro-centric and ableist, as many cultures and many neuro-divergent people will not retain the information as desired because eye contact is a physio-language about dominance.

Want a dog or wild animal to attack you? 

    Look it straight in the eyes (direct eye contact). 

Want to accelerate the attack? 

    Smile. 

Eye contact plus baring of teeth is a show of dominance and subconsciously triggers a fight or flight response in most people and animals, even if we have been conditioned to not act on that response.

So, now that we know why we don't get the desired results we want, are we ready to learn how to listen?

Some are, and some aren't. For those who are, keep reading, please.

           

Sandia Mountains, 2021. Photo by Torrey Brooks-Mauga

 [Above image: white sandy path between desert plants of cholla, mesquite, manzanita and other native plants. Path leads off into the distance, where it continues up foothills of the Sandia Mountains. The sandy path is barely visible in the distance, winding between dark green, lime green, and brown desert plants.]

The first step to being able to really listen, is learning to be comfortable alone. It's learning how to listen to silence. It is learning how to listen to nature. It is learning how to listen and identify new sounds... changes in sounds... changes in patterns.

Some of us have access to wild outdoor spaces right outside our backdoor. 

Others are lucky to live in a city that recognizes the necessity of green spaces for the citizens to be healthy. 

Most live in urban sprawl, with little or no access to safe outdoor spaces. 

Some of us are unable to get out of our bed due to health issues.

If you are lucky enough to live somewhere that values access to nature, and you are physically able to "get your toes in the dirt", the first step is fairly easy. 

Find a place to comfortably sit outside (on the ground, in a camp chair, in a wheelchair) and take 5 minutes to put your feet in contact with the ground to just listen. 

Check your watch or phone for what time it is, then cover it up and allow your eyes to close or unfocus. 

    If you are focusing only with your ears on listening to the sounds of the wind, sounds of one plant rubbing against another plant, sounds of birds and insects, the likelihood of thoughts "wandering" is pretty low, even for us neurodivergent folks who struggle to pay attention for a long time.

If you notice your thoughts are wandering, don't worry! 

    Check your timepiece, and make a note of how long you were able to listen before thoughts intruded. You paid attention for exactly the right amount of time, for you! 

Make a note of it, celebrate your accomplishment no matter how short you think it is. This is a new skill, and every new skill takes practice. 

    In our fear of failure culture, the only way to overcome that fear of failure, is to celebrate even tiny successes (so yes! Celebrate that 7 seconds of being able to sit still and listen to the wind <before the first thought intruded on your listening practice> by doing something fun after writing down that 7 seconds & what thought intruded.)

Once it becomes fairly easy to sit and listen for 5 minutes (or if you notice you keep falling asleep when you practice listening) start setting a timer or alarm for when you need listening practice to end. 

    Write down the thought that intrudes and interrupts listening practice, and see if a pattern emerges. 

Value the time to practice this skill as a gift to yourself. 

Whether you are only able to spend 5 minutes in your backyard (or a park every other day), or are able to greet the sun in the  morning away from neighbors, barking dogs and the sounds of cars, this time is Sacred. 

    It is the beginning of building your Sacred Practice, it is learning to listen to discern your needs so you can learn how to take care of yourself. It is the first step toward integration, the first step on a new Path.

Summary:

1. Carve out time, at least 5 minutes each day, to just sit still and practice listening (ideally in nature with toes in the dirt, at minimum somewhere safe and able to stare at a plant)
2. Take note of what time you start, and then turn over the time piece until a thought (or timer) signals the end of the session
3. Write down how long the session lasted and what thought ended the session
4. If it feels good/ brings joy, write a summary of sounds heard, or how the sounds felt/what feelings they invoked
5. At the end of the month, look for any patterns
1. Did any one thought pop up more often than others?
2. Is there a theme to the thoughts?
3. Are you falling asleep during practice?
4. Do you feel better or worse on days you miss practice?
5. Any other changes or impacts?
6. Remember to conclude each session with a reward, to encourage more practice, and indulge in a larger reward at the end of each week, and the end of each month 

One through five are merely examples, don't let my suggestions limit how you evaluate your practice/ how you look for patterns, or the practice itself. Repetition makes it easier, builds comfort, and strengthens the muscles necessary to improve the skill.

May you have a wonderful Equinox, and enjoy this first step in learning to listen! Thank you for allowing me to share.

This Equinox edition written by Torrey Brooks-Mauga: Doula, dancer, peer2peer, and practicing solitaire